to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Same post same
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.