[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.