Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence