[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help