To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
finally found a reasonable question
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I love the National Park Service.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
