To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
🙅🏻
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
