To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
