Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.