To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
October 31
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Note to self: I am a note