To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
these can’t be my only options
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.