Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion