To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
You Might Also Like
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.