Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction