Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

so weird how every mom was born today

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*