[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no