To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.