Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.