Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

I am never leaving this website

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?