To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
i meant to share this earlier
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them