To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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why count sheep when I can count my troubles
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.