Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Finally, a door that understands me

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

no such thing as a dumb question

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf