To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
You Might Also Like
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.