@GavsonNZ

To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@Cpin42

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

@ChrisTrauma

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

@karanbirtinna

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@ValeeGrrl

You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.

@Velma_the_Funny

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

@salmarch79

ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?