Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
You Might Also Like
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
yeah 😭
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Every time my phone rings
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.