Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man