To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.