To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You Might Also Like
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Risking my life for fun.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
bury ourselves
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?