To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You Might Also Like
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Fries, not lies.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.