To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces