Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.