Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.