To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
selena gomez
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new