Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

How about daylight saves us for once

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

how high up are we talkin’?

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?