To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
This one, by a wide margin
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
