Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

January is lasting longer than my marriage

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

How it started: How it’s going:

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.