If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.