Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*puts words between two asterisks*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.