@tweeterreader36

To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@Gupton68

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

@braag_

hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

@shkeeber

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.