Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

rise and shine we got egg

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.