Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Bruh PLEASE

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

live, laugh, laundry.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket