To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST![]()
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
me hitting on a model
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”![]()
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.