To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Tammy is short for Tamuel