Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

having children is a pyramid scheme.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.