Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.