To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
when you order from DoorDastardly
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place