dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it鈥檚 just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON鈥橳 WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It鈥檚 for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
1 PM: I can鈥檛 wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
馃槒馃槒馃槒
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they鈥檙e going to split
I don鈥檛 want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there鈥檚 something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it鈥檚 been watching me for hours.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look