14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does