To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Dead sexy!!
