Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Hit me in the face with a bird

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis