To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
going to bed
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea