To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
thanksgiving should be called feaster
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom