Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

i smell a pulitzer

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.