Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

when you are just born a rebel

Put the is in disheveled

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

mood

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings