(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.