(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
This kid is a star!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.