(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
RT if you could go either way.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).