(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.