Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”