(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
This is my emotional support knife.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
How many? 🤔
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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