To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target