Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

then why did i get this email

You’re the water to my grease fire.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.