To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
no cat here
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Merica.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”