@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

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@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

@ohpeetie

I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.

@thatstings

Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@FeelingEuphoric

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@TheTweetOfGod

UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES

8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU