To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
this FaceApp is creepy af
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?