To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Friday night party time 🥳
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100