To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
What even happened today?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If only
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?