To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
You Might Also Like
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Fries, not lies.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!