Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Social distancing in Australia:

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*