Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what it’s like dating me:

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Be the reason someone burns sage.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

I think this might be relevant today.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

This hospital has everything

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?