To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?