To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this