To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Not all heroes wear capes…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
