To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
You Might Also Like
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.