To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.