To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Introverted vegans go meetless
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*aggressively waits in line*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.