To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Support your local cemetery
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”