Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Drive like no one is watching.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.