To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Encore…
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”