To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Writing, She Murdered.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!