To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Friends that check up on you >
The asteroid..
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.