To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
You Might Also Like
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
This one’s “Alex”.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords