To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach