To the max.. 😂
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.