To the max.. 😂
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking